After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
