I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
