Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
