Your dad touched me again.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
