if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
