the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
