She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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