I think I died a long time ago.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
