Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
