Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
