Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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