I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
