Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
