i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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