i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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