omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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