the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
