everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
