If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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