i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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