Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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