Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
