There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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