At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
