She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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