I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
