Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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