I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
