Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
