thus making me awesome and them whores
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
