Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
