Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
