whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
