I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
