I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
