i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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