I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
