I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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