i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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