Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
