grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I think I won the penis lottery.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
