I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
