shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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