im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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