He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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