You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
