I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
