just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
40s are totally the cure
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
