he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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