sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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